Quidditch captains hate me because of this one weird trick

For various reasons, I never read all of the Harry Potter books when they originally came out and I am currently reading Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix for the first(!) time. Just to catch everyone up, as Harry starts his fifth year at Hogwarts, Gryffindor's quidditch keeper and old team captain has just graduated and so the team is holding tryouts to find a replacement. While reading this section I began to think about the state of quidditch at Hogwarts and soon realized that this is a serious amateur operation! Were I captain of my house's quidditch team, I am confident that within two years I could build a consistently winning team with only a few changes, and revolutionize how the game itself is played and regulated at Hogwarts as a whole!

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Let's look at some major issues I have with how the game of quidditch is handled at Hogwarts School of Magic.

First, equipment plays a huge role in how effective a quidditch player is. Obviously nothing can replace raw talent, but simply by having a cutting edge broom, a player can gain a substantial advantage over his or her opponent. Consider the following; I won't argue that Harry isn't a good seeker. He exhibits a natural affinity for the position in his first year which results in Professor McGonagall arranging for his appointment to the team. But what makes Harry a great seeker? How many close calls have ended in his favor simply because his broom was faster than his opponent's? It seems to me that Harry, and by extension anyone with a large sum of disposable income, is able to buy themselves an unfair advantage. If I were an opposing team captain, I would be throwing a fit over Harry being allowed to use the Firebolt, a broom one would normally only see in international levels of play.

Second, as far as I can tell there is nothing stopping someone from brewing up some sort of potion to increase strength (bludger harder) or perception (seek better). This is compounded by the fact that students at hogwarts are more or less taught as a part of the standard curriculum how to "bottle fame, brew glory, even stopper death"(Severus Snape). No doubt many an unprincipled team captain has salivated at those words. There are no measures in place to prevent performance enhancing potion (PEP) abuse. In fact, it seems that use of potions may not even be against the rules except in certain cases.

These two rules issues can be resolved easily. Quidditch equipment at the school aged level should be regulated in order to ensure a fair competition between houses. This can be done in one of two ways. Hogwarts could either have sets of standard issue brooms for each position in order to ensure all players have identical equipment, or a set of broom benchmarks could be established which would be strictly enforced. This way Hogwarts can make sure that houses with better access to funds or with especially wealthy and generous alumni won't be able to buy their way to the house cup. As for the possible abuse of PEPs , I propose instituting a rigorous and random potion use testing program. For all we know Hogwarts could be in the midst of a Lance Armstrong era of PEP use. It's frankly shocking that the Daily Prophet hasn't done any investigation on its own.

Besides these issues, I am confident that I could make any house quidditch team immensely more successful with one simple change. As you may remember, in The Order of the Phoenix, Gryffindor is holding open tryouts in order to replace their old keeper which had just graduated. The fact that it even came to this is absurd! Where is the practice squad? How is there no second or third string quidditch player waiting in the wings for his or her moment of glory? As captain of a quidditch team, I would create a JV developmental squad on day 1. With a secondary squad I no longer have to worry about holding open tryouts in case one of my players graduates or is out for the season. I can be confident that replacement players are comfortable in their positions and have experience practicing with the team. And it will encourage my athletes to keep striving to be better, what with the specter of possibly being replaced by a better player hanging over their heads. I was blown away when it was revealed that Ron had never even played a game of quidditch in his life and yet still managed to make the team!

Additionally, with the way things work now, what happens in the event of a serious injury? We've got kids playing a high speed game (that many have never even played in their lives!) in which they fly around potentially hundreds of feet in the air while other kids are attempting to knock them off their brooms with clubs and balls. It's a damn miracle that there aren't more serious injuries or even deaths! Suppose there is a serious injury though. What now? Does the game have to end in a forfeit? Does Gryffindor grab the closest idiot jock from the stands and stick 'em on a broom? If there's a JV team we just tell the backup to suit up and are done with it.

Perhaps the most beneficial part of having a practice squad is this: practice can actually be productive. As far as I can tell, quidditch practice consists of nothing but drills. Drills are great for fundamentals but I want my team to be able to perform well under game like conditions. If they're going to be good they need a secondary team to actually practice against. Nothing like a good old fashioned scrimmage to get some quality practice.

Why has no one pushed for these changes at Hogwarts? My guess is that all the smart wizards are in Ravenclaw and they just don't care enough about quidditch (a game which already makes zero sense) to try to make it better.

Boi-oi-oi-oing!